Over the past few years, I have found I process trauma by hiking and by writing.
On Thursday October 15, my town, Bend, Oregon joined the infamous list of towns with school shootings. I am, like the rest of the town, devastated, to pick an adjective. Pick your own: angry, outraged, confused, emotional, distraught. We are all feeling these and other emotions.
On Friday October 16, I hiked. Sixteen and a half miles of physical activity and connection with nature, a day without signal, a day of disconnection from the horrible reality of yet another school massacre.
Today, I write.
I walked along the Deschutes from Dillon Falls downstream to Meadow Day Use area. There I turned back upstream and went all the way to Benham Falls before returning to my truck at Dillon.
I make this, or a similar, walk each year at this time. The fall color is at its peak: yellow aspens and cottonwoods, purple dogwoods, rusty mountain-ashes. This year, like my mood, is especially somber. We had no snow last winter and the parched soil has not carried enough moisture for good fall color. This year, the aspens skipped turning color in favor of the leaves darkening and falling to the ground. Entire aspen colonies are bare.
The trail provided enough solitude that I could relax and just enough entertainment and memories so that my brain could forget the tragedy, if only temporarily.
Among other things, my trail-supplied memories are:
- Early morning elk tracks just above Dillon Falls where several cow elk and their young drank.
- The audible flutter of aspen leaves despite no discernable breeze.
- Hearing the lead rapid at Big Eddy two or three minutes before arriving.
- Learning that we have Threespine Sticklebacks in the river.
- a Varied Thrush skulking in the brush just off the trail.
- Watching an otter cross the river near Slough Day Use Area.
I took a few pictures, but my focus was mainly on walking, letting the physical exertion keep me focused while I processed the trauma in the background.
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| Fluffed Up Cedar Waxwing |
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| Glowing Rabbitbrush Seedheads |
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| Lemmon's Willow Jutting Precariously Over the River |
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| Lone Pine at Big Eddy |
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| Queen of Her Domain |
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| Still Life: Partially Charred Ponderosa |
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| Male Hairy Woodpecker |
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| Western Dwarf Mistletoe |
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| Yellow Salsify |
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| Fireweed |
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| One of Dozens of Spotted Towhees |
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| The Largest Western Garter Snake I Have Ever Seen 30 Inches in Length |
Hiking let me settle my mind and now I am at the keyboard, writing out my feelings.
I am distraught that our delightful mountain town is not immune from gun violence, that our innocence and sense of safety has been shattered. I hurt for the families involved—shooter, victims, first responders, medical and trauma specialists, teachers and students—for all of us. I am angry that our students must start adulthood already facing serious trauma. I despair that this was just another in a long line of shootings and that more are surely coming. I feel helpless to effect any positive change for the future. I despair that we may never be able to accept that mental illness is part of the human condition to be treated like any other medical condition. I hate that a minority of our country has a stranglehold on our gun laws and perpetuates a broken system. I hate that I had to write this piece entitled "Sandy Hook, Oregon." I hate worse that this title needs no explanation to Americans.
